Bet All I Have: A Year Four Update
If you’ve read anything I've wrote then you know that music is how I relate deeply to my thoughts, emotions and feelings. So here we are, year four of this annual update. If you don't know, In May of 2017, I wrote a piece about my life, sexuality, and what it means for me to follow Jesus. I have updated it with a new piece each year. So year four. I have been trying to find a song to connect this piece with but nothing was clicking. I didn’t want to force it, so this piece is coming a few days later than normal.. And it has been a journey.
When I was writing last year's update, I was coming out of a season of pain and some unexpected changes. As I write this year, I can say that I'm in the middle of a season of renewal, healing, and some perspective shifts. The last 12 months of my walk with Christ has looked differently than in previous seasons. I’ll be honest, I found myself really tired at certain points.I spent a majority of last summer speaking, teaching, and writing on sexuality and Christianity, particularly my experience with it. While fulfilling, it was also exhausting. So I took a break. I felt God telling me to rest and recharge. During that break, I was able to be still and wrestle with a question I had been thinking through. The question was “What does my future look like as a Christian, single, gay, and celibate man?” How do I continue to reconcile my very deep feelings with my personal convictions when they want to take me in completely separate directions? Some of the scenarios and answers I thought through scared me. And again, to be honest, I don’t know what the future looks like.
A song I currently have on repeat is “Bet all I have” by Mission House. It came out five days ago and somehow it’s lyrics are very fitting for where I am on my journey with Jesus. “There’s so much that I don’t see, But I see You, but I see You. And there’s so much that I don’t know, But I know You, but I know You. And there’s so much that I don’t understand But I have seen Your goodness And it’s just enough, that I’ll Bet all I have on You”. So even though I can’t see my future, I can trust the one who knows it, Jesus. There’s so much I want to know and don’t, but I can trust the author of my life. There’s so much uncertainty as I navigate this journey, but I know that God is a giver of good things.
I have nothing profound to say this year and that’s okay. If my only answer to those questions is, “I am trusting Jesus because he is worth it”, that’s enough for me. I don’t know what this next season has in store for me. On Christ the solid rock I stand, (with shaky feet at times), and not only am I betting on him to come through for me, I am counting on it.
