Then you will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart”
A whole year has passed since I published the post below. I had no idea how far it would reach. I was not prepared to lose some of the friends I did, nor did I foresee the new friendships I would gain. There were NUMEROUS painful, hard conversations. I heard from people who encouraged me with calls, texts and emails of support. I had friends who supported me publicly, knowing it would cost them some friendships as well (Rani, you’re a real one!) As some things ended, new life sprung up elsewhere. Lots and lots of tears. unexplainable joy, and most importantly, growth.
I have come to know myself in new ways. And most importantly, my relationship with the Lord has changed in the best ways possible. “Let my heart want for nothing but you, just you. Let my heart want for nothing, but you. Just you. The riches of this world. Could never satisfy. Let my heart want for only you, King Jesus” May that forever be the song that I sing.
I have cried 3AM tears that felt like they would never end, only to end as the sun was coming up. Those moments have shown me that no matter how long the night, the sun will rise. I am forever thankful for my boy Matt Pacholczyk who will step into my experience, help me sort out my feelings and then remind me to trust God even when I don’t feel like it. Sometimes as believers, we feel that we must clean ourselves up before we approach God with our hurts, questions, and fears.
The God I have grown to know is one who meets me right in the middle of my struggles. He truly is a way maker. He is a God who is in the business of redemption. He is a God who accomplishes his will in unexpected, beautiful ways and uses unexpected people to do so. Just four days after I published this post, The Lord brought a new friend in my life (John Satriano) who has walked alongside me patiently through difficult periods, has challenged me, pushed me and has been a tangible representation of God’s Grace and Providence. Chiiiile, this man has seen me go through it and has reminded me time and time again to keep my eyes ahead. I am so proud to call this man a brother and I am humbled by the role he plays in my life.
In the post last year, I mentioned that living in Godly community is the healthiest way I know how to walk this journey. While this is still true, I must admit that I was a bit naïve regarding this area. You still get lonely in community. As someone who is working through fears of abandonment, (that stem from my childhood) committed community is both a welcome relief and a terrifying challenge. I have learned that to be content in community, you must first be content with God and God alone. While I am a LOUD champion of/for committed lifelong friendships (I am blessed with a handful of these), I must also advocate for personal commitment to the Lord even more. It is the firmest foundation. Before you look to a community, a friend or a spouse, find refuge and shelter in the Lord first.
From there, I learned to have intentional and hard conversations about what community looks like for me and with those I am doing life with. How do we navigate commitment to one another as everyone’s life is changing? By taking it a step at a time. Sounds simple, but as someone who can worry a lot about the future, I have learned to do community in the present. At the end of the day, relationships within community are supposed to point you back to God.
In January I read an article written by Eve Tushnet that really captured this for me. She interviewed a friend of hers who is walking the same road and asked him and his friends how they navigate this. I have a section of the article memorized and I will quote it here.
“The God who emerges in their words is a weird and unpredictable God. It is a God who wants you to love others, to make your life a gift, but who offers no guarantees that anybody but him will take you up on the offer. This God may call you to break societal norms but give you no guidance in how to do it well. This God will use your loneliness and insecurity to drive you to love others, but then make you see that no human being—and maybe nothing in this life—can satisfy your hunger to be loved. In the battle between solitude and community, community wins—even contemplatives rejoice in and suffer the intense relationships found in a monastery. Yet it might be said that our willingness to accept and sacrifice for our community obligations must rest on the bedrock of our solitude with God.”
I have experienced many joys as well. So many of my close friends have gotten engaged/married recently and I have seen the Lord use those to show me his goodness and plan. My three best guy friends are getting married to three of the most amazing women later this year and what a fun journey it has been to be known by them and to be included in the most meaningful ways. (Danielle Bullock &Faith Gregg #BreakfastClubForlyfeeee) The seven of us, in various pairings/settings have had some REAL conversations that have led to a deeper understanding and love for one another. I’m honored and humbled with friendships like the one I have with Reese Robinson, who makes me feel like I belong, no matter the circumstance or situation. I am in a small group with three guys who know how I can get and still love me. Cole, Daniel and Andrew, y’all are some MVPS. and outside of that, I have an extensive and rich community of dear brothers and sisters in the Faith who love me tremendously. I still enjoy friendships with people who although we believe differently on several topics, we fully respect and love each other and for that, I am grateful. I enjoy life alongside married and single people alike. Surround yourself with people who are different from you. Build strong relationships so you can have strong conversations about things that matter.
I belong to a church that I love. It is a flawed church because we are all flawed people, but I am known, encouraged and supported at every step of the way. My pastor! Garrett Raburn, you are a pioneer and a personal hero of mine.
I have also recently stumbled upon an online community specifically for men who have decided to walk my same road. (Your Other Brothers) The lord has used this community to teach me, encourage me, comfort me and most importantly, remind me that I am not alone. Finding this community has been an extension of Jeremiah 29:12-14 in action.
“Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.”
Lastly, I started writing a book on this topic this past fall. We will see what happens with that. I have a friend who I get lunch with regularly and often send the most out of the blue texts in regard to this book and we have conversations that are the fuel for this project. Sam Shelton, thank you. You may be in banking by trade, but I’m making a book editor out of you! Caley, I TREASURE our conversations too. Thank you.
I choose to give my life to God daily, knowing that he will make all things new. He has a plan. “All of my hopes, all of my fears, all of my wants and all of my years. Everything now, everything then, all my life I resolve. Jesus, you’re worthy of it all” (lyrics from “you’re worthy of it all” by Shane&Shane)
So that is my update on the year that has passed. It has been challenging, painful, sometimes isolating, but ultimately, worth it. Most importantly, I am grateful for the Journey. Like my new friend in Christ Thomas Mark Zuniga (Who I haven’t met in person yet) said when he was reflecting recently about telling his story publicly “I close my eyes. I tell my story. I open them. And I wouldn’t change a thing