I am choosing to submit to Gods Word even if it means going without in this world.
You are my delight, and you are all my glory.
As I write this, I feel so many different things. I feel tired. I feel joy. I feel freedom. I feel afraid. I am also crying. There’s a conversation I’ve been having for over two years now individually and in small circles that I now feel the need to have publicly. It’s a story of brokenness, human longing, God’s amazing grace and redemption.
I think it is no secret that I’m gay/attracted to men. From a very early age, I knew I was different. By age 11, I had a word for it. Gay. Was I born gay? Nature vs nurture? It ultimately doesn’t matter. I came out when I was 18 and embraced my sexuality. I found the love and acceptance I had always felt eluded me. (The Gay community has a way of embracing differences that I think we all could learn from!) Another thing I knew from an early age was God. I believe in God, his Son Jesus, the Cross and the Bible. I grew up in the church and it has always felt like home to me. When I came out as gay, I struggled with a desire to live a life that pleases me and a desire to live a life that pleases Christ. (“For the desires of the flesh are against the spirit, and the desires of the spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do”. Galatians 5:17) I lived in both worlds. I did whatever I wanted with whoever I wanted whenever I wanted. I also still professed my faith. Deep down, I knew that eventually, I would reach a cross roads. I would either have to submit to the Bible that I professed to believe or I would have to walk away from its truth (and embrace my own desires). I debated this on and off in various stages and seasons of my life from 18-25. I now have come to describe this as standing on a porch when it’s raining with half your body dry on the porch and half your body wet in the rain. Neither is comfortable.
At the end of 2014, I made a decision to embrace God’s truth fully. That means that even though I have desires for a sexual expression that is not pleasing to God, I have chosen to resist those desires for the rest of my life because I believe that’s what Gods word calls me to. Does it mean I’m no longer attracted to men? No. I am still strongly attracted to men and might always be for the rest of my life. This is not me trying to be straight, this is me trying to be obedient.
The past two years when people ask me why I’m single, I have usually given a variation of “working on me/dating Jesus.” I told my gay friends that because I feared losing their friendships. (I KNOW I am going to lose friends because of this.) I have been shy to have this conversation in some circles because I don’t want people to judge me for living my life in a way that is Christ honoring. But in the past few months, God has made me more and more uncomfortable with not expressing this clearly and that is the goal of what I’m writing now. (To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24)
When some people hear me say these things, they ask me if I feel like I’m missing out. They (with very well intentions) tell me that they feel sorry for me or that I am “repressing” myself. (I’ve even heard that I’m a self-hating gay.) Yes, I have the same longings we all do, for Love, family, etc. I just have to find that fully in Christ and his people that he graciously places in my life. I am not missing out. I have experienced the world and I have experienced Christ and I will choose Christ every time. And I am not repressing myself. And I am not a self-hating gay. Following your heart into sin is dangerous, at best. Choosing not to follow my desires is not self-repression, its self-preservation. I am choosing to be defined not by my sexuality, but by my identity that is whole and complete as a child of God. I am choosing to submit to God’s word even if it means going without in this world. “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed to us.” (Romans 8:18) Ya’ll, I am so far from perfect! But He said to me, my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Another thing people ask is, isn’t this unfair that you don’t get to have a romantic relationship? No. What’s unfair is that Christ had to go on the cross to cover my Sin. All our sins. I do not feel ripped off or cheated. I get to experience life in a relationship with Jesus. The best relationship we could ever have.
Another question I get is, “well so do you not support equal rights?” I can see how one would arrive at this question. I do not believe in anyone being treated as a second class citizen. However, this post is not about that. I am here to talk about my life as it intersects with the bible, not about the bible and public law. We can dialogue more on that later.
I have had setbacks on this journey the past two and half years. (Some of you are probably recalling them!) I have been inconsistent at times and that has added to the confusion. This is my sincere effort to make sure everyone is clear about what I’m doing with my life and what I believe. But thankfully, I am not defined by those inconsistencies. I get up each day and make a decision to pursue Christ and to die to myself. THIS IS HARD. But I believe it’s worth it. “ I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:14)
If you’ve managed to read this to here, Thank you. I expect some people are shocked by what all I shared above. I believe some are even angry. We live in a time where civil discourse is largely thrown out the window. To the LGBT community, I know that the church has caused you a lot of pain. Every story I hear of how someone was wronged by the church breaks my heart. I can’t apologize for each and every wrong, but I do know that I’m sorry. I want you to know a different experience is possible. My churches have always loved me and cared for me, even as they have called me to the full truth.
While I will probably need some time to process, I do hope to dialogue with anyone who wants to have a calm discussion, even if our views are different. My heart is full of nothing but love for all people. The same love Christ has for all of us. To those that have been on this journey with me since 2007 and through all those seasons in between, thank you.
Henry Abuto