My Coming Out Story

Only Love Remains

I got online last Sunday and realized it was International Coming Out Day. I Came out 13 years ago and over the years, I have shared my journey a lot (especially how it intersects with my Faith), but I realized I have never just talked about what coming out was like for me. So for the first time, I decided to write it all down.

From an early age, I knew I was different. Seriously, I remember being like 4 and knowing something was different about me. I didn’t have a word for it though and also it wasn’t anything I could even begin to think through at 4. But by the time I was 10, I had a word for it. I was watching a Backstreet Boys video and an awareness just hit me. Again, I was 10, it was the year 2000, and that wasn’t something you processed in the 5th grade. But I knew. When I got to high school, this was confirmed very quickly! Honestly, I look back and I am amazed I really even passed for straight during that time period. There were times that I noticed people recognized it and while I was not bullied a lot in high school, I definitely got my fair of gay jokes thrown at me.

I remember one night coming home from work at 16 to find my entire biological family in the living room waiting on me. One family member in my particular spearheaded this for some random reason and demanded that I answer if I was gay. I was stunned, and in true Henry fashion, I was very annoyed. But I grew up in a home that was not an emotionally safe space so I knew better than to say anything. Also I'm Kenyan and was not about to risk dealing with those dynamics! I adamantly said no, grabbed my cd player and headphones (hello 2006) and I cried myself to sleep listening to “Us” by Regina Spektor on repeat. To this day, that night has never been spoken about. 

I got to college in the Fall of 2007 and I knew I wanted to start coming out. I felt like I was lying and hiding. I told a new friend of mine that November that I had something to tell him. I went up to his dorm room and took about three hours, but I said it out loud. Then I ran back downstairs to my dorm room and journaled about it. I Actually read that journal entry earlier this summer! I was still so scared though. Then Christmas break came around. All the high school friends were getting back together for a party at Kassi’s house. I remember being very sober and looking around thinking, “wow everyone here who I love is having fun being known for their true selves and there is this part of my life that no one knows about. So I left and texted my best friend Aaron and said “I went home. I have something I need to tell you but i’m really scared because I don’t want it to change our friendship.” How Aaron handled this was so beautiful that if a movie ever gets made about my life, this scene is worthy of an Oscar nomination! He called me and said “Hey, I think I know what you need to tell me, but i’m coming over because I think it’s important for you that you do this in person.” So he left the party, drove over and I told him. He put his arms around me, gave me a big hug, told me he loved me and we just sat on the floor while I cried. I will never forget that. He is still one of my closest friendships to this day. 

After that I went back to college in the spring of 2008 and started coming out to a few more people. While binge watching “Dawson's Creek” (on DVD cuz streaming wasn’t a thing yet!), I decided to fully come out. There was a gay character on the show (Jack) and I basically watched his coming out story in one day. I cried so much that day. I wrote out a text and copy and pasted it and sent it individually to about 100 or so friends. Whew! I got some really great responses and a few awful ones that still sting to think about. People really hate what they don’t know or understand. But I was done hiding. Over those next few years, I grew more comfortable in my skin and that part of my life. I can’t even imagine being that version of myself that was so afraid to simply exist. Let’s do our part to make sure all people, especially those who are LGBTQIA, know that they are worthy of dignity, respect, love, and a right to exist freely. May these things never be up for debate again. 

In telling my story this way, I purposefully left out some parts (even wonderful parts) about it. I have written extensively about it the last four years on my website so if you are interested to know more or have questions, start there.( Also, if you are curious about the terms I use and the huge role my faith plays in how I live my life as a gay man, please start there. Don’t leave a comment on this post, you will probably get dragged by other people and I don’t have time to rescue you!) 

Being out the past 13 years has taught me a few things. One, I will never again hide any part of me out of fear. I understand and respect that people sometimes can’t share this part of their life for various reasons but I have arrived at the place where this is something that I will never again hide. Visibility matters. There  are teenagers out there who need to see someone like me telling them it’s going to be okay one day. I have learned a lot about messing up, hurting others, being hurt by them, and learning to ask for and receive Grace.  I have learned the beauty of investing and valuing deep, meaningful friendships. It has taught me a lot about sacrifice, and most importantly, it has taught me a lot about chosen Family.  I cling to them tight. 

Wherever you are on your journey, just know that you are not alone. Much love to everyone.

Henry Wasonga Abuto