Heartbreak: You Won't Always Feel This Way
“You gotta dig deep within the well of your soul and find the will to sing the words that only you know about going through hell and living to tell the truth because the best songs come from broken hearts.” -Bonnie Bishop, singer-songwriter
In the middle of last year, my friend Andrew asked me to write something for his website. He told me I could choose any topic to write on. I agreed and told him I would get something back to him within a week or so. Six months later, I’ve finally chosen a topic. Heartbreak.
For much of the past two years, I experienced (and continue to) heartbreak in what seemed to be a never-ending tidal wave. When most people think of heartbreak, they usually tend to associate it with romantic heartbreak, but the truth is, so many other things can cause us to experience heartbreak. The strongest of friendships can end and shatter your world. People move, jobs change, processing past trauma, leaving your longtime church home, etc… Those are all things that can cause heartbreak and those are all things I’ve gone through the last few years. Those experiences did three things to me. First, some of them were unexpected and left me speechless. Second, they left me asking questions, seeking answers, and fighting for control. Lastly, they taught me about myself, others, gave me the gift of learning to show up for myself and others, and most importantly, they taught me that if you let it, life goes on.
I suppose it’s a given to say that heartbreak is unexpected because I doubt that anyone is walking around looking for heartbreak. For example, people don’t expect their marriages to end or for their friendships to fade. When heartbreak happens, it often leaves you without words. We spend so much time planning our lives and thinking about how we want things to look and when they don’t turn out the way we wanted, it can be crippling. When we lose control, we spend a lot of time blaming other people, blaming ourselves, and sometimes, we live in denial about what is happening because the reality is too hard to face. Those things only delay our healing. When we do that, we break our own hearts. As much as I’ve felt heartbroken by certain things, I have had to acknowledge that I had a part to play in my own heartbreak.
As I experienced heartbreak, I found myself asking a lot of questions. I would replay everything in my head in a loop looking for a different answer or the possibility of a different outcome. I would look for something to change or fix. A pastor friend of mine, who is a close friend, once lovingly told me, “Henry, I see in you an unwillingness to let go.” He said that to me in October 2018 and it took almost a whole year before I fully understood what he was saying. He was helping me process a situation I was in and the truth is, I needed to let the situation go. I needed to give up my need for control in that area. I was walking around with my pain on display, unwilling to let it go. Last summer, I finally decided to let go of the heartbreaking situation and, while it wasn’t easy, it did help me face reality and gave me peace from a situation that had been causing me a lot of pain and anxiety.
If we allow it, heartbreak can be a catalyst for growth. Heartbreak allows us to show up for ourselves. My own experience has forced me to advocate better for myself, to examine my own patterns and behaviors that I need to break, and to seek to understand other people better. In the last two years, I’ve learned so much about myself that I don’t think I would have had I not experienced the heartbreak I did. I have had dark nights that I cried out to God begging to take the pain away, and his mercy has met me exactly where I was. My pain has taught me to seek out others for help, and it has allowed me to help and support others who are going through similar things.
In the words of one of my favorite singer-songwriters Ingrid Michaelson, “all the broken hearts in the world still beat.” I’ve taken a lot of comfort in those words. Heartbreak will wound us, cause us grief but in the end, we will get through it. The cracks of our heartbreaks are unique to our situations, but the experience is universal. If you’re going through heartbreak, keep on going. Lean on the Lord and his promises. Lean into your friends and community. Let yourself experience your pain. Let it teach you and let it grow you. You are not alone.
